My 50 favourite scary movies
1. Evil Dead
2. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre
3. A Nightmare on Elm Street
4. The Descent
5. Martyrs
6. Se7en
7. The Thing
8. Friday the 13th – the Final Chapter
9. Shaun of the Dead
10. Dawn of the Dead (original)
11. Dawn of the Dead (remake)
12. Dead Man’s Shoes
13. Oldboy
14. Ichi the Killer
15. Audition
16. Evil Dead 2
17. Braindead
18. Night of the Living Dead (original)
19. Day of the Dead (original)
20. The Cottage
21. Deliverance
22. Southern Comfort
23. The Hills Have Eyes (remake)
24. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2
25. Leatherface: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 3
26. Halloween (original)
27. Re-animator
28. Bride of Re-animator
29. Aliens
30. Videodrome
31. Planet Terror
32. Death Proof
33. The Toxic Avenger
34. Bubba Ho Tep
35. Slither
36. My Name is Bruce
37. Maniac Cop
38. Hatchet
39. The Tripper
40. Zombieland
41. Dog Soldiers
42. The Shining
42. Predator
43. From Dusk Till Dawn
44. IT
45. Pet Cemetery
46. The Hitcher (original)
47. Burial Ground: Nights of Terror
48. Opera
49. [REC]
50. I Know Who Killed Me*
* Yes, I love it. Unabashedly. And so should you, if only ironically.
50 of the shittest horror movies ever to rape my eyes
1. Twilight
2. Kill the Scream Queen
3. The Happening
4. I Know Who Killed Me
5. Prom Night (remake)
6. Day of the Dead (remake, or whatever the fuck it's supposed to be)
7. Saw 4
8. Saw 5
9. Saw 6 +
10. Twilight
11. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning
12. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation
13. Seed
14. House of the Dead
15. Hostel
16. Hostel 2
17. The Hills Have Eyes 2 (original)
18. The Hills Have Eyes 2 (remake)
19. Halloween (remake)
20. The Fog (remake)
21. Alien Apocalypse (apologies to the Bruce Campbell)
22. Five Across the Eyes
23. House of 1000 corpses
24. The Devil’s Rejects
25. Alien vs Predator
26. Alien Resurrection
27. The Phantom of the Opera (Joel Schumacher version)
28. Eaten Alive
29. Slave
30. Cold Grip
31. The Hitcher (remake)
32. Zombie Holocaust
33. Scar 3D
34. Nutbag
35. Blood Feast 2
36. Twilight
37. A Nightmare on Elm St 4
38. A Nightmare on Elm St 5
39. Vampires vs Zombies
40. Backwoods
41. Seed of Chucky
42. Bride of Chucky
45. Halloween: Resurrection
46. Twilight
47. All the Boys Love Mandy Lane
48. The Abducted (match.dead)
49. Cold Grip
50. Twilight
Frequently Un-asked Questions
What’s with this ‘Porkhead’ business? Well, it’s something I invented when I was thirteen. What can I say? Guess my sense of humour never matured. Anyway, it fits, whether you want to call me pigheaded or a dickhead. Just so long as no-one declares a Jihad on me.
Why horror movies? Why not? They’re funny and brooding and scary and horrible and stupid and intelligent; a horror movie can be anything you want it to be. It’s a much more versatile genre than its given credit for, and that’s why I love it. A good horror film can be incredibly challenging and thought-provoking, which is, really, the only thing worth watching. But I do review other stuff on our sister website.
Why reviewing? Those who can’t, review. One day, I fully intend to make a horror film of my own. Until then, I’ll bitch about other people’s. Sorry, but bad horror offends me. It’s a genre I’m passionate about, and I’ll be damned if Rob Zombie’s gonna ruin the Halloween franchise without me saying anything about it.
What’s your favourite scary movie? Sam Raimi’s Evil Dead, possibly. Or maybe The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (original version, obviously).
Do you like anything that isn’t horror? You bet. I enjoy movies of all genres. Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs was fucking awesome, for instance.
Do you have to swear so much? Porkhead’s Horror Review Hole contains a lot of bad language. And I’m not talking about double-negatives, motherfucker.
Do you accept screeners? Yes. But be warned, I take ages to watch them, and I’ll only review it if I can think of something to say.
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